Heigh ho, heigh ho…

… it’s off to work I go. 

I’m in the midst of writing the follow up months after the first month to the sixth month but I wanted to pen a quick blog. I feel like today is such a momentous day. I’m full of emotion.

I’m sat on my usual bus to work. I was walking to the bus stop at the end of my road having driven Baby OC to daycare. Everything went to plan. It’s been so hot that we have all had very little sleep for the last few nights but apart from that all was as hoped. 

It’s not her first day, she’s been a few times and she really does love it. She sleeps better there, she eats well (they tell me every time I pick her up how much she ate and what a good eater she is) and she sometimes seems downright excited to be there. So I don’t have to worry about that, right? Try telling yourself that as you drop your child off. I find myself looking so hard at her – is she sad, is she thinking “oh no not this place again”?

And it doesn’t mean I don’t feel guilt. I feel guilty that someone is looking after my baby. I feel guilty that I had to get ready this morning instead of stopping to play with her. I feel guilty that when I am on my own it’s actually quite nice and I enjoy it. 

As I sat at the bus stop in the ridiculous morning heat, I realised the last time I sat here she was in my tummy. That when she was in my tummy she went everywhere with me. And now I feel a chunk of me is missing. 

I feel nostalgic about being pregnant. I feel how strange it must have been to have neither pregnancy nor my daughter in the world – what did I do? What were my days for? And yet, that’s partly why I’m heading back to work – other than financial aspects, I need something other than being a mum in my life. 

When you become a mum your previous you becomes buried beneath the nurturer, the carer, the provider of food, the entertainer. But she’s still in there somewhere and for me she was quietly asking if there was space for her in my life again. And I consented, yes there was. 

I admire any mum who can stay at home and be everything to their child. I admire any mother who can let a little bit of their soul get left behind every day when they drop off their kid and head off to work. Neither are easy. 

It’s going to be tiring and hard adjusting to sleepless nights and long days. Adjusting to the fact that when I get back from my commute I’m going to only have an hour of time at the maximum with my baby girl before she is off to bed. And in that time I’m going to be running around getting dinner and sorting laundry. Adjusting to the fact that instead of doing my day job in five working days a week I will have to be way more productive and do it all in four days instead. Adjusting to letting go of the reins and letting the carers at daycare and her daddy take some of the load. 

It’s going to be an interesting time. Wish me luck. 

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