When you know you’ve failed

Been meaning to write this blog for a few weeks. I started jotting it down when I was laden with guilt a few weeks back. I felt upset about something I had done, something I was responsible for, and I felt like the only way to find some kind resolution was to a) address what I did and b) tell my story in the hope that my honesty would go some way to remove some of these faux presentations of our lives on social media.

I have been thinking more and more about how much BS there is on social media – and by that I mean these pretty pictures we pose of our lives – our kids, our relationships, our buzzing social lives. It’s a glimpse into our lives behind which there is often a different story. I watched a video that really resonated with me, and kind of drove this niggling feeling home. This is the video:

https://www.facebook.com/plugins/video.php?href=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.facebook.com%2FDitchtheLabel%2Fvideos%2F10154097367221008%2F&show_text=0&width=560

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m sure many, MANY happy pictures are genuine. And I love that. It makes me happy! My heart is drawn to looking for the positives in our lives and I find a negative newsfeed weighs heavy on my heart. I can’t be the only one despairing at the number of videos I see of animal cruelty, child abuse and the ruining of our beautiful eco-system. And yet, it’s out there. Sometimes it weighs so heavy I just want to ban the internet from my life and live in ignorant bliss.

But that’s another story… another blog. The point I was trying to make is that while I believe being involved in negative conversations can be really damaging to our frame of mind and outlook on life, it can also be refreshing to have the freedom to say:

“You know what, I hate the world today. Irrationally I am grateful for nothing this morning. F*** the sunrise.”

Or, “Why the heck is my husband so bloody annoying? Why can he never take his boots off before he walks in the door, and why can’t he think for just two seconds that maybe I don’t want a pair of pyjamas for Mother’s Day.”

Sometimes, you have just got to let it out in an intimate setting with those friends who know the real you, and understand that you just need to vent. That you’re just human. That you’re flawed and you don’t wake up every day feeling grateful to see the sun and head-over-heels in love with your husband.

Am-I-right?

I hope so. Or you’re all just going to think I’m just a super ungrateful bitch. And sometimes I guess I am. I try to keep it to small moments but… it is what it is.

One thing I know is I really messed up the other week. So, yes… back to that…

Let’s be straight up – Mr OC and I are not the kind of couple who never argues. We are the kind of couple who probably bickers more than we should. We know that. There… I said it. We are both very argumentative people. We are also both very stubborn. And I never like to let anyone have the last word. I fought like heck with my mother as a youngster, and then with my best friend, and now I do the same with my hubby. I guess I’m just like that with the person I’m closest to – I don’t do confrontation in any other aspect of my life. If anything I avoid it. Go figure…

Anyhow… this one Thursday night a little bicker about something small and stupid (which it must have been because I cannot even remember what it was) escalated. I got super mad when Mr OC walked away from me while I was trying to explain something (to do with what we were fighting over), and it just blew up from there.

None of that really matters now – because the problem wasn’t what we were fighting over or how it escalated. The problem was that our voices got loud enough and I got upset enough that I suddenly looked at my baby girl and she was crying. I’d upset her by being so upset myself. I was so caught up in how I felt about the situation that I had inflicted insecurity onto her.

In my mind, it was the biggest failure I’ve ever made. How could I have failed her so badly? How could I have got so lost in that moment, been so selfish in wanting to get my point made and my feelings out that I couldn’t just let it go and think of how that might affect her? Was it really worth it to make my point? No. Not even slightly.

I mean, yes, I want her to know her mummy is human, but not at the detriment to her pysche. In my mind, there are NO excuses. I was sobbing and shaking with rage. And all I can hope to goodness is that my daughter is young enough that her brain somehow loses that memory completely and never troubles her with it again.

I don’t write this to cleanse myself. I write this, because I want to confess. I want to hold my hand up and say that behind closed doors we are NOT perfect. And I’m nervous about doing it.

We love each other, we have some amazing moments, and each day I see something else beautiful in our family that I didn’t see the day before. My heart is full and I know we are a strong team. But honestly, there are flaws… imperfections – and some of them are pretty. But some are not. And so, I will learn from my mistakes and I will do better.

 

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2 thoughts on “When you know you’ve failed

  1. Oh Pol, we have ALL been there, and being a mother doesn’t make you any less likely to lose your composure (suspect that given the tiredness and levels of selflessness required, it might be the opposite). So Z knows her Mum’s got a bit of fire in her belly, she’ll respect you for that. Seems to me that all that really matters is that she knows how much she is loved and that’s never something she will be in any doubt of. Finally, whilst I respect you ‘fessing up, I wonder how many times you broadcast all the ways in which you get it right, or dwell on those successes? Because you should. You should also have a glass of rose (I wish I could buy you one in person), give yourself a break, and write your lovely husband a little gift list for next time xxx

    1. Thanks my lovely friend. Don’t get me wrong – she has heard me shout at the cats when they’re fighting but this was different. Anyway… I appreciate everything you’ve said and I know you’re probably right!! Especially re the gift list. Hahahaha xxx

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